How Codependents Destroy Love (and How to Stop)

Written By Abigail Carter

As humans, we are all innately wired for connection. Yet, for some, the pursuit of fulfilling relationships can become a source of hidden pain and confusion. Codependency is a force that can erode love, friendships, and even our relationship with ourselves. It disguises itself as care and devotion, but underneath lies a destructive pattern of sacrificing our well-being in the relentless pursuit of another person's approval. 

If you’ve ever felt like you keep “ruining” your relationships, and deep down you struggle with intense fears of being abandoned and/or forgotten, it's time to consider you might be codependent.

What is Codependency, Really?

Codependency is a term often mis- and over-used to the point of widespread confusion about its true definition. Genuine acts of love - being desiring of time with your partner, seeking out the advice of someone you look up to, craving comfort from someone you love when you’ve been hurt or missing someone you love when they aren’t around - are not codependent behaviors.

Generally speaking, codependency is a pattern of maladapted behaviors and self-destructive beliefs that result in a person's sense of self-worth and identity being excessively dependent on another person. This often involves sacrificing one's own needs and well-being in an attempt to gain approval, maintain the relationship, or feel needed.

It is far more serious than what it has been reduced to. Most relationships deteriorate predictably when one or both partners are codependent, and many who struggle with it need outside help if they are ever to experience a healthy relationship even once in their lifetime.

Understanding Codependent Thinking and Behavior

While it may seem like codependent individuals are incredibly selfless - and any number of them may or may not be - a deeper dive into the motives and emotions driving codependent behavior reveals a far more complicated picture. 

While each person’s experience with codependency is their own and thought-behavior misfires can manifest differently, the following behaviors are the most well-known indicators:

  • People-pleasing: Putting everyone else's needs and feelings first, even to your own detriment.

  • Need for control: Difficulty letting go and trusting others, leading to micromanagement or a need to fix others' problems.

  • Poor boundaries: Having difficulty saying "no," feeling responsible for the emotions of others (or making them responsible for yours) or tolerating unhealthy behaviors for the sake of peace.

  • Self-sacrifice: Neglecting your own needs, desires, and well-being to cater to another person, to your own detriment, particularly mentally and emotionally.

These behaviors could be occurring intentionally or unintentionally; with awareness, or without it; with the intent to manipulate, or the intent to support. The codependent person engaging in the behavior may do so believing they have good intentions, or they may be in denial they are codependent at all. 

How Codependents (Mis)Manage Fear

Many people who struggle with codependency also experience intense feelings that are difficult for them to self-regulate. One of those feelings is fear. Oftentimes the fear is born of enduring a painful, traumatic experience and a desire to protect oneself from having to endure it again. 

The fears most commonly associated with codependency are:

  • Fear of abandonment: A deep-seated belief that you're not good enough and worry that others will leave if you don’t meet their needs perfectly.

  • Fear of rejection: Intense need for approval and fear of any sign - perceived or real - of disapproval or conflict.

  • Fear of loneliness: Feeling incomplete without a relationship, leading to clinging to others even if the connection is unhealthy.

  • Fear of worthlessness: Measuring one’s self-worth based solely on the existence - as opposed to the quality - of a relationship; without one, one does not feel worthy, and life does not feel worth living.

Codependency’s Effect on Empathy

It's important to understand that codependency doesn't mean a person lacks empathy. In fact, codependent individuals often have deep wells of compassion and a strong desire to help others. However, their own insecurities and need to feel needed distort their understanding of healthy support and love, and the focus becomes so intensely external that they can lose sight of how their behaviors negatively affect their loved ones.

While their intentions may stem from a misguided desire for love and connection, the consequences can be harmful.  This isn't intentional malice, but rather a lack of self-awareness and a deep need for external validation to soothe their own internal wounds.

Myths and Misconceptions About Codependency

Today, we understand codependency better than ever before, and with that we’re able to correct what we previously got wrong. The 5 myths that follow vary from mostly inaccurate to egregiously untrue. The way we frame the discussion about it, either with ourselves or others, needs to be corrected.

Codependency Misconceptions Debunked

Myth 1: Codependency is just being helpful or caring.

Many people confuse codependency with genuine care or a desire for connection.  However, codependency involves a persistent pattern of putting another person's needs and emotions above your own, even when it causes personal harm.  It's driven by an underlying need to manage our own discomfort by controlling or fixing others. This leads to a loss of boundaries where the codependent person may begin to feel responsible for their loved one's happiness, eventually causing resentment and emotional exhaustion (and/or vice versa).

Myth 2: Codependency is a sign of love and devotion.

This diminishes both actual selfless love and real codependency.

Codependency can look like selfless love, at first glance. However, while the actions may seem loving on the surface, they ultimately stem from a deep need for external validation and control.  One of the best ways to describe codependency is as "emotional and relational enmeshment." [https://www.wondermind.com/article/codependent-codependency/].  This means that the codependent person's identity and emotional well-being become so intertwined with the other person that they lose their sense of self.

Myth 3: Only people in romantic relationships can be codependent.

While codependency is often discussed in the context of romantic partnerships, it can manifest in any type of relationship. Codependent patterns can emerge within friendships, family dynamics, and even professional relationships.  Any type of relationship can aggravate unhealed wounds and trigger unhealthy needs for approval, opening the door for codependency to take root.

Myth 4: The remedy is total independence.

It's easy to fall into the trap of believing that escaping codependency is about becoming completely self-reliant and emotionally detached. However, this is inaccurate and ultimately unhealthy. True healing involves finding a balance – developing healthy interdependence.  This means maintaining your sense of self and boundaries while still having the capacity to form deep connections based on mutual trust and support. In healthy interdependence, partners are responsive to each other's needs without sacrificing their own.

Codependency is NOT…

Myth 5: Codependency is a mental health disorder.

Let's clarify the distinction between codependency as a set of relational patterns versus an official clinical diagnosis. 

While codependency exhibits problematic behaviors and emotional patterns that often require counseling to change and break, it is not formally recognized as a diagnosable mental disorder in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). It is seen as a dysfunctional style of relating to others often rooted in childhood experiences or trauma, as opposed to a stand-alone disorder.

That said, codependency can co-occur alongside other mental health conditions such as anxiety, depression, PTSD/C-PTSD and other personality disorders.

The Roots of Codependency

While few things determine potential codependency issues later in life as much as childhood experiences, there are other factors - such as substance use or abuse, attachment styles, and general feelings of low self-esteem - that also contribute.

Childhood Experiences

Children rely on consistent care and a sense of security from trusted adults for healthy emotional development. Childhood trauma breaks the vital bond of trust and disrupts the formation of healthy attachments. Growing up within a chaotic and unpredictable environment, especially with a loved one struggling with addiction, can have a profound impact on how individuals relate to others.  Let's dive into specific ways:

  • Inconsistent care and emotional neglect: Children growing up with a parent or caregiver struggling with addiction often experience gaps in care. The caregiver may be emotionally unavailable, unable to prioritize the child's needs, or fluctuate between periods of extreme attention and neglect. This teaches the child they are not worthy of having their needs met and that relationships are unreliable.

  • Role reversal: Children in these environments may take on responsibilities beyond their developmental age. They might become the caretaker of their parent(s) or sibling(s), robbing them of a normal childhood. The burden of responsibility can lead to a need to control others and situations as an adult.

  • Shame and secrecy: Addiction can lead to a strong sense of shame and a need for the child to keep family secrets. This can breed feelings of isolation and a deeply ingrained belief that there is something inherently wrong or shameful with their family dynamic.

  • Focus on external validation: To gain a sense of stability in an unstable world, children from these households become hyper-focused on the emotions and needs of others. They may learn to suppress their own emotions to prioritize placating and keeping their caregiver content. This leads to a pattern of relying on others' approval for self-worth and validation.

  • Attachment styles: Our earliest relationships shape our attachment styles, which influence how we connect with others as adults. An anxious or avoidant attachment style, often developed from inconsistent caregiving in childhood, can contribute to codependency. Anxiously attached individuals may excessively seek validation and reassurance. Avoidantly attached individuals may emotionally distance themselves but still feel a strong desire to control and care for others, hindering healthy intimacy.

Remember, codependent behaviors are shaped largely by unprocessed trauma; all of the above are highly traumatic to early childhood development.

Substance Use or Abuse

The dynamics of addiction, including enabling behaviors, secrecy, and emotional chaos, can create a fertile ground for codependency to thrive. This applies to both the person struggling with addiction and their loved ones. Often, a codependent individual seeks to excessively care for someone struggling with addiction. This well-intentioned care can unintentionally contribute to the problem, as the “fixing” and “rescuing” aspects of codependency can inadvertently enable dysfunction.

Low Self-Esteem

A general lack of self-worth and acts of self-love can lead to seeking external validation, a core driver of codependency.  Individuals who doubt their worth often become overly focused on the needs of others in the hopes of being appreciated and feeling loved. This pattern leaves them vulnerable to relationships where they compromise their own needs for an illusion of acceptance and stability.

The Path Forward

Acknowledging and understanding codependent patterns is a crucial first step.  True healing and change are possible, though they require conscious effort and dedication.  Here are ways to start moving forward:

  • Seek professional help: Individual therapy, especially modalities like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Schema Therapy, and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can help you explore the roots of your codependency, develop healthier boundaries, and gain tools for managing difficult emotions and situations. A therapist offers guidance and a safe space for processing your experiences.

  • Join a support group: Sharing experiences with others who understand codependency can be incredibly validating. Groups like Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) offer a supportive community, education, and practical strategies for change. Meetings are available in-person and online at https://coda.org/.

  • Prioritize self-awareness and self-care: Begin learning about healthy self-care practices. This includes recognizing your own needs, setting boundaries, and saying "no" without feeling guilty. Simple acts like mindfulness, journaling, or spending time in nature can help cultivate a stronger connection to yourself.

  • Resources for growth: Seek out books, articles, and online resources about codependency. Learning more about these patterns empowers you to understand your own behaviors and find inspiration for change. A classic resource to consider is "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, which has helped countless people start their journey towards healthier relationships. Many other helpful books and workbooks exist - such as The Shadow Work Journal and Don’t Believe Everything You Think - so explore and find what resonates with you.

Remember: Healing is a journey, not a destination. It's okay to experience setbacks and lean on support during those moments. Building healthier relationship patterns takes practice, but it leads to greater self-respect, fulfilling relationships, and a life based on your own needs and values.

Now What? What Have I Learned About Codependency, and How Do I Apply It?

Codependency is a complex issue rooted in deep-seated needs for love, acceptance, and control. While it can be challenging to recognize these patterns within ourselves and relationships, increased awareness is the first step towards positive change. This awareness comes by normalizing the discussion of codependency, spreading the correct information, and correcting misinformation.

If you recognize signs of codependency in your life, either in yourself or a loved one, please know that you're not alone and that help is available. Reaching out for support to gain critical understanding – whether through therapy, support groups, or other resources – can be a transformative step towards a more fulfilling life with healthier relationships.

If you're ready to explore healing from codependency, consider these resources: 

  • Co-Dependents Anonymous: The only requirement for membership is a desire for healthy & loving relationships. https://coda.org/

  • Therapist Locator: Psychology Today has a searchable directory where you can find therapists specializing in codependency. No registration is required, there are no pre-screening questions to answer, and it’s free.

  • Additional reading: Consider a more trauma-focused option, like Lindsay C. Gibson’s therapist-recommended "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents"

  • Medicaid: If cost is an obstacle and resources are limited, you might be eligible for your state’s government funded insurance, also known as Medicaid. Medicaid is the single largest payer for mental health services in the United States, including therapy and counseling services. You can visit medicaid.gov to check eligibility and apply.

Article References

Abigail Carter
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